I wonder what it means to really understand movement and time and your role within these two things. I’ve spent so many hours these last few weeks on the constant go and have placed myself in other people’s lives for varying amounts of time with fluctuating degrees of interest and sincerity. There have been obligations to meet. There has been advice to be given. There has been the need for a listening ear and steady shoulder. I left for “Home” two and a half weeks ago only to be reminded why I left…that’s not to say that most of my time wasn’t enjoyed, I saw amazing old friends and caught up on years of silence, but the social climate is devastating. Homophobia a RAGING epidemic, the religious and political conservatism, at times, made me physically ill. How could I be a product of this? was a running theme in my brain.
So here I am, nearly half way through my late twenties and am finally beginning to feel at home and at ease. Not ease in the letting up sense, but more like I can breathe easier because I believe I am where I should be. I think of everything and everyone that has been a part of my makeup and personality, my ideals and opinions, my sense of humor and humanity, and can’t help but wonder how I have positively or negatively affected their makeup. The bending lines of space and time and thought are zig zagging and swooping and climbing and arcing and plunging into the depths all around us and we are caught up in the mix together. How do we do life? How don’t we do life? How do we get from A to B with the confidence needed to traverse such wide margins? I have no fucking clue. But I do think I am figuring it out…slowly, very very slowly, but surely.
I know one thing: there are people that come in and out of our lives for multitudes of reasons…and recognizing the good ones for their worth is paramount. Owning your status and situation and believing that you’re doing whatever it takes to get you where you need to be is not always easy, but I know that I am working on it.
Tonight will be a night of restful sleep after what feels like ages of the opposite. My brain runs in patterns and shapes that keep me up but I have a trick up my sleeve. You see, I built this incredible little device and I assure you it’s real:
You will need…
A favorite memory
A physical reminder of a piece of your life not currently with you
A small box
Put the memory and physical reminder into the box and place under your bed. If you concentrate really hard while falling asleep the two will grow into a landscape so believable you might wake a little confused because somehow you went where you really wanted to go and saw who you really wanted to see and did the things you really wanted to do…
I’ll be seeing you.